Petaluma Instituto Wins Vino Award!!

The staff at the Instituto are pleased to announce that we are the recipient of an award for ground breaking vino research.

The anonymous award and equally anonymous prize came in this morning’s mail.

Vino Award

To the Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino for its  ground breaking research on how light-sensitive packaging (a.k.a., “special” bags)  improves the bouquet and legginess of  $2 muscatel – an insouciant little wine with a small, but discriminating following in Flushing, NY.  This research also contributed to the refinement of the unified field theory and cold fusion research in nuclear physics.

Insituto Researcher hard at work on the the next vino project…developing instant wine powder.  Just add water to the little crystals…Publication1

Se son e‘ vero e‘ ben trovato… “If it’’s not true,  it’s essentially true”

Copywrong 2009 by the Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino

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Instituto Vino Festival 2009

Dear Instituto Members:

The entire staff of the Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino (and their parole officers) once again attended the First Annual Instituto Wine Festival on your behalf.  The weather was exceptionally friendly and the ranch was never in better form.  Music was the usual combination of Western Swing, Swamp Rock and Mariachi–NO RAP.

This year we added an equestrian event.  Now none of us understands horses but they were exceptional (not to mention the million dollars worth of silver and gold on the saddles). One of the rides can only be described as an “Only in California” happening; the riders charged around the ring at full gallop carrying glasses of champagne (Piper Sonoma of course).  The object, we surmise, was to demonstrate a stride or gait that did not spill the champagne.  It worked.  Not a drop touched the ground.  We thought it a bit unkind, however, that they did not let the horses taste the champagne.

All of this horse stuff is well and good but we at the Instituto prefer drinking our champagne at a table–or standing up.

After a time we must sit……

In any event, we can report that we endured (on your behalf) apple fritters, apple pies, chicken pesto, Willie Bird turkey sandwiches, garlic chips and assorted artery clogging foodstuffs (burp!) all in the pursuit of GREAT VINO–which, as you know, unclogs the arteries. Perhaps that explains why Sumo Cum Laude “Big Fish” Sashimi (our bouncer) spent so much time by the wine table.

Sincerely,

Your Friends At The Instituto

Wine Reviews

The staff at Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto de Vino Wino has developed a report critical of wine critics.  They dare to take them on!

Quite simply, the Instituto claims that wine critics are merely former music or art critics.  Well, the prose style suggests that there’s some truth in this observation.— you only need to change a few words of a Metropolitan Opera Orchestra review to create a wine review.

Examples…

Music—Compared with the lush, full-throttle sound the orchestra produced at the climactic moments of “Das Lied von der Erde,” the Mozart had an almost Baroque trimness.

Wine—Compared with the lush, full-throttle nose the wine produced at the climactic moments, the Barfman Zinfandel 1999 had an almost Baroque trimness. (Hmmm! Almost sounds like a line from an Erica Jong novel. Fear of Flying Cabernet?)

Music—Ms. von Otter sang ravishingly and with the sensitivity and flexibility necessary to touch the heart of this work’s nostalgic, fatalistic texts

Wine—Barfman Cabernet sang ravishingly and with the sensitivity and flexibility necessary to touch the heart of this wine’s nostalgic, fatalistic flavors.  (The perfect wine for Socrates?)

Music—and the beauty the musicians coaxed from this had as much power, though differently focused, as the fortissimo passages

Wine—and the beauty the vintner coaxed from this had as much power, though differently focused, as the Barfman Chardonnay

Finally there is wine as a health food—“But Dr. Broustet… advocated a regimen of a daily consumption of a half bottle of red wine with food.”

Robert Mondavi claimed to drink two liters a day and another liter mixed with water when he was in the field.  He lived to a ripe old age of 94.

En vino veritas!

Instituto Special Report–Bottleless Wine!

The Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino proudly announces the results of years of research and development.

We have been following the work of  several wineries to do away with corks and to convince winos to buy wine with screw caps.  They have solid scientific evidence to support their position that screw caps are as good as, if not better than, corks.  Granted it will take some persuasion to convince people not to associate screw caps with “Thunderbird” or “Old Nauvoo Red.”

But we have taken vino  innovation  a step further.

Our Winos demand cutting edge innovation!

So the Instituto is proud to announce that our wines will be distributed with screw caps at $23.49 a bottle.

What makes our new screw cap wine so unique?

Well……..

there…

will…

be…

NO……………….bottle!

Imagine!

Bottleless Wine!!

In fact, there is no container whatsoever!!!

Just the screw cap!!

Imagine the “Bottle(less) Shock” as new customers check out the display.

So…………….Bring Your Own Bottle (BYOB) or Bring Your Own Glass (BYOG)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember to wash your hands!

The Officers & Staff of Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino

We at the Instituto are working  24/7 to make you a better wino!!

FAQ-Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino

Many “visitors” and new “members”  repeatedly inquire about the Instituto’s background and benefits of membership.  This newsletter will address these FAQ’s

Q–Do you have a logo?

A–See below

Vino Logo

Q–Does the Instituto have the coveted tax-exempt status?

A–Vinnie & Guido (our esteemed former Enron accountants)  want to know what are “taxes?” “Tribute”  or “Bribe” they understand.

Q–Is there an annual membership fee?

A–Only if you drink box wine from with a straw, in which case the annual fee is $1,000,000 Brazilian.

Q–Do you conduct tours?

A–Not at OUR facilities for God’s sake! To do so would be to alert the authorities as to our location.

Q–Do you have a unique wine appellation?

A–But of  course! While our vineyard is small (we have only one vine) we were able to secure a very distinct appellation.  It was quite an involved process. The examiners noted that our single vine  had a mound of dirt on each side.  That made it a valley. They then examined the “characteristics” of the valley and considered several names….

  • Fog and Foggy were rejected because, too many vineyards and wineries already claim these attributes.
  • Stray Cats, Feline Valley or Litter Box Vineyards did not seem to present the proper cachet.
  • They finally noted that there was one characteristic that had not been used by other wineries–Snails! So they settled on Slug Valley.  They also approved our label: “Slime Wine!  Legginess you won’t believe!”

Q–What is “gout de terroir” and does the Instituto have any?

A–To answer the last part of the question first, we have a great deal of “gout” at the Instituto.

As to the meaning of gout de terroir, many mistakenly believe it is French for “taste of the earth.”  However, our research reveals this to be in error. We are amazed that this has not been revealed before.  After all, who wants to drink wine that tastes like dirt?

We discovered that “gout de terroir” is in fact gout da terrier, an ancient Miwok Indian phrase meaning  “Small dog with gout.”  At the Insituto we employ several gouty dogs to add a special flavor to 0ur wines!!

It has worked out very well for us.  Petaluma is famous for its Ugly Dog Contest and Ugly Dog Stout.

We have Gouty Dog Wine!!

That’s all for now. Next week’s newsletter will bring you even more useful information.

Happy wine tasting and remember to stop by our undisclosed location!

THE STAFF

Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wine-Located in the Casa Madrone de Vin Ordinaire

Where all our Champagne is only a bubble off!

Where we take the snob out of wine and bring back the slob!

Petaluma’s Wine Newsletter

Yesterday’s post on how to determine whether wine has gone bad, prompted me to create a new category to which future posts by Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino may be found.

A few details on the Instituto…

  • The Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino is located in the Casa Madrone de Vin Ordinaire.
  • The Instituto has a Tasting Room–La Centre de l’Experience du Vin de Petaluma.

The Instituto’s  Champagne is only a bubble off!

Our vino has much “gout de terroir.”

Our grapes have no wrath.

The Instituto will issue an “irregular” newsletter each Monday…or Tuesday…from time to time…if we feel like it.

Until next time…

Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino

Chief Wino &  Solo Vine Manager (We have only one vine)–Frank
First Secretary-Vinnie Parducci
Second Secretary- Guido Marcucci
Third Secretary-Gustav Von Da Vee
Treasurer-Minnie Da Moocher
Counsel–Horace Rumpole of Chateau Fleet Street Claret
Vat & Barrel Managers-Jay Gaulo
Restaurant Manager-Al Fresco
Food Director–Sushi Tira-Misu
Director, Financial Planning-Two Fingers (as in “a-one-a,” “a-two-a”) Sabastiani
Director of Protocol & Arbiter of Taste–Marthe Stuarda
Tour Director-Expresso Camino Freeway
Movie & Video Critic-Francois Fjord
Bouncer–Sumo Cum Laude “Big Fish” Sashimi
Chats du Vin Extraordinaire—Hannah Sue & Gracie Mae (The Claret Kitties)
Tristan E. Isolde-Director of Cheap & Trashy Personal Counseling
Enchy Latta—Director of Catering
Jerry Attrick–Senior Citizen Wine Consultant