The staff of Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino has been working deligently to complete a comprehensive response to the request for assistance from Vino Blues in New York City.
Tristan E. Isolde (Director of Cheap & Trashy Personal Counseling) has been heading up this effort. Vino Blues was seeking guidance on how to deal with friends who were, for lack of a better phrase, decidedly cheap. To view a copy of the letter and the initital response of the Instituto, (Click Here)
Dear Vino Blues:
We are writing in follow-up to our initial response of July 18, 2009. We will now address your questions in detail.
YOUR SPECIFIC QUESTIONS
1. My husband is pissed off and insulted,…Are these people insane?
First, this is grounds for a duel. Your husband gets his choice of corkscrews; they do not. We are not sure that they are insane but they are certainly living in a world of their own–must be very lonely. Minnie Da Moocher is sending a card suitable for the event.
2. Does it get any lower than$4 sparking wine?
The only legitimate use for this product is to christen garbage barges.
3. Can these people be extraterrestrials?
You do an injustice to extraterrestrials!
YOUR LARGER QUESTIONS
How can they be stopped? Who should they be reported to? What retaliation does the Instituto suggest?
Now these are serious questions. Before deciding on a course of action, one must first determine, as best as one can, their motives:
1. Is it because they can’t afford anything else ?
We believe, based on the information provided, that the answer is “No.”
2. Is it because they genuinely like what others call “cheap” wine?
If the answer is “Yes,” THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
If the answer is “No,” please proceed to Item 3.
3. Is it because they don’t know any better? Have you, or others, “exposed” them to quality vin ordinaire? If they were exposed to a moderately priced wine (the vin ordinaires exclusively favored by the Instituto) would they detect the difference? If so, would they admit it?
If the answer is “No,” THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
If the answer is that they should know better or have been exposed to the “good stuff” then we’re facing a major problem–They are cheap as opposed to thrifty; they are fixated on price without ANY regard for quality. They would not understand Oscar Wilde when he said: “He knew the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
It is even more serious if they are guzzling Rothschild in private and passing out sparkling wine to their “friends.”
The obvious conclusion is that these are diehard tightwads beyond redemption. As to whether they are as cheap with themselves as they are in public requires further investigation. We suggest hiring a private detective with 400mm telephoto and night optics to check out their drinking habits.
If, on the other hand, they are capable of some degree of redemption, the Instituto suggests the following tactics:
- To give them a picture of the dark side of cheap wine, consider a copy of Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury.
- Drop quotes from Homer: “Then the goddess, grey-eyed Athene, answered him: ‘Hold me now no longer, that am eager for the way. But whatsoever gift thine heart shall bid thee give me, when I am on my way back let it be mine to carry home: bear from thy stores a gift right goodly, and it shall bring thee the worth thereof in return.’ And whatsoever gift thou wouldest give me, let it be a thing to treasure. Therefore I will make exchange of the presents, as I may. Of the gifts, such as are treasures stored in my house, I will give thee the goodliest and greatest of price.”
If none of the above works….remember that physical assault is still a felony. Horace, our counsel, will agree to defend you but please remember that he is very fond of Chateau Fleet Street.
Tristan E. Isolde
Director of Cheap & Trashy Personal Counseling