The Great Petaluma Squash Mystery

By way of background, we are in our second year of serving as caretaker to our new Habitat Landscape– the former front lawn. While we have remained generally faithful to the dictates of low water native plantings, I have also experimented with various other plants. To put it simply, if I get a seed, I’m inclined to plant it to see what happens.

A certain resident of the West Side, who sometimes writes as Emperor Norton II  gave us some acorn squash seeds. Now at this point I must step out of the narrative line to point out that I do not have a clue about squashes of any kind.  However, my wife said she liked acorn squash (although I don’t remember her ever eating one) so I planted the seeds.

And they grew. Lord, did they grow. Monster plants with monster fruit.

Now I, not knowing anything about what an acorn squash is supposed to look like, kept tending  the plants.  Then my wife suggested that they did not look like acorn squash and pointed one out at the grocery store.  Sure enough, they did not look the same.  But a photo will allow you to be the judge of what was growing in our Habitat…

Name That Squash

I presented the above “evidence” to the seed provider, Norton II and demanded an explanation. He demurred, harvested the evidence and returned home.

Later he submitted a written response–through his lawyer…


We have secured further evidence in the ongoing case of the Squash Caper (no not capers). 

It seems that the seed supplier–who now is hiding behind his lawyer (me) and refusing to talk to the press–was saving both acorn squash seed and spaghetti squash seed, and dried them appropriately.  But without admitting guilt or assuming responsibility (To quote  Simpson, himself a recovering attorney: “We admit nothing! We deny everything!  We demand uncontroverted proof!”), there is a possibility that when the seeds went into an envelope and got labeled, that seed labeled as acorn squash and given to one Frank Simpson, as part of a TARP (Total Acorn Reparation Program) Bailout might have been mislabeled and might have been in fact spaghetti squash seed.  

While we stipulate to the facts of the obvious results that what actually grew in Simpson’s yard did behave and look like a spaghetti squash, and in fact looks increasingly like a spaghetti squash as it gets closer to maturity, and in fact said squashes grown by Simpson are exhibiting a slight yellowing around the stem as they mature, we will not accept any financial or punitive responsibility for the resources expended by Simpson, his worker bees, or his habitat birds in the growing of spaghetti squash advertised as acorn squash, insofar as the seeds in question, once transfered to Simpson’s custody were no longer under constant surveillance and may have been switched by nefarious evildoers, and the planting of said seed was performed without observation by opposing counsel making it in fact impossible to be certain the source of the plants actually placed in the ground that produced the offensive squash. 

Furthermore, as Simpson has destroyed all evidence of the plants themselves by their removal from his habitat it is now claimed by us that the squash in question, presented by Simpson as evidence, cannot be confirmed as the squash that were growing in his habitat in that they were picked without the presence of  Norton II’s counsel to observe, and were in fact picked before they had the opportunity to reach their full potential as living spaghetti squashes.   

Because those raised by nuns were taught not to waste food, Norton II intends to keep the evidence presented by Mr. Simpson and see if they will continue to ripen in his root cellar and attain a more yellow color, at which point Norton II will attempt to consume them with homemade tomato sauce. 

Case closed

Dewey, Cheatum & Howe Esq et. al. etc.


READER NOTE: For an update on the Petaluma Strawberry Scene (Click Here)



5 thoughts on “The Great Petaluma Squash Mystery

  1. Pingback: Sally Strawberry is “retiring” - Petaluma Spectator - Petaluma 360 - Petaluma, CA - Archive

  2. Frank, the squashes in question are storing well, are indeed taking on a yellowish color, would have been better had they been left on the vine longer, but will likely be edible. you may wish you had them back in the coming Depression.

    • The two we kept are now a bright yellow! As to eating them…that is another story altogether

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