Tristan E. Isolde, our Director of Cheap & Trashy Personal Counseling brought an interesting letter to our attention. The author of the letter was seeking guidance on how to deal with friends who were, for lack of a better phrase, decidedly cheap.
TO: Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino, Petaluma, California
We have dissed pals who consistently serve the cheapest wine to be found on earth. Here’s their new low – AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!
For my husband’s birthday they brought a lavishly wrapped bottle (these are the same folks with the $80 nitrogen rig to preserve $3 wine) and made much of toasting the occasion with champagne. I feared the worst, but this was beyond my wildest fears – a $4 unchilled bottle of sparkling wine! It may be banned in CA – it’s used motor oil with injected carbonation.
They are assuredly NOT financially strapped, and this was not a joke gift, so I turn to the Instituto – my husband is pissed off and insulted, while I take a more sanguine view (it’s good for stain removal.)
- Are these people insane?
- How can they be stopped?
- Who should they be reported to?
What retaliation does the Instituto suggest? Can these people be extraterrestrials? Please consider flying Vinnie or your enforcer, Sumo Cum Laude “Big Fish” Sashimi here on an emergency basis to “talk” some sense into these two.
Vino Blues, New York City
Dear Vino Blues:
After several emergency meetings and many bottles of vin ordinaire, the entire staff of the Instituto reached a consensus (VERY unusual for this group) to respond to some of your questions.
1. You say they paid $4 for an “unchilled bottle of sparkling wine.”
They paid $4 TOO much
2. You say it was ” lavishly wrapped.”
Unless it was wrapped in the Mona Lisa–IMPOSSIBLE!!!
3. You say it’s used motor oil with injected carbonation.
Send them a case of 10W40. Suggest that they serve it at room temperature–as in an igloo in Nome, Alaska. Tell them it has a body you can “cut with a knife.”
In the alternative, give them a bottle of sparkling cider. If you can’t find one (We don’t know why you would normally want to do so), the Instituto will gladly provide a bottle for this worthy purpose.
As to the remaining questions in your letter, rest assured that the entire staff is locked in the wine cellar working up further suggestions to aid you in your time of need.
We will be in touch with you shortly!
Tristan E. Isolde
Director of Cheap & Trashy Personal Counseling